Merlyn C. Faris III
Facebook catches a bad rap. Contrary to what some would tell you, it has some really neat features such as: staying in touch with family you don’t want to ever talk to, receiving an “I’ve been hacked” message for the fiftieth time from the same person, having a front row seat to normalizing mental illnesses, the ability to use “filters” to hide and distort oneself and then publicly post this distorted/fictitious image for all to see (in hopes they believe it, accept it, or at bare minimum ignore it), and the ability to “cancel” with the click of a button (because if copy and paste or angry face emojis don't work “block” is the only reasonable recourse). Seriously though, one of my favorite features is Timehop. It’s a wonderful tool for someone like me that struggles to remember what I had for breakfast. It helps me save face with my wife, as the only way I can identify which child is in the picture is the time stamp it gives to the post. Timehop is nostalgic, as it is a practice that’s been done with family photos for generations; the only differences being: it’s not my mother’s handwriting marking the date on the back, and on the front I’m not dressed like an 80’s televangelist in an awkward family photo or sporting a sweet bowl cut. Thank goodness for this fun and wonderful feature, and thank God it never existed while I was young.
Easter Sunday, a few months ago, I woke up to a complete flip in weather overnight and a wonderful memory from Timehop waiting in my phone. Two years prior to the day, exactly like this year, we had been enjoying plenty of warm spring weather, then BAM a random snowfall in mid April. I did my civic duty that day two years ago. I donned my favorite blowup dinosaur costume, grabbed my picket sign which read: “The end is near”, and marched through my neighborhood to proclaim this message of hope to anyone with eyes to see or ears to hear. Two years ago to the day, people were freaking out because it snowed in Iowa and a virus was sure to wreak havoc and destruction on the entire world, through a death toll that surely would dwarf the bubonic plague. Grocery store shelves were completely barren. Entire industries came to a halt that week due to mandates. Many pastors became contortionists with Scripture and for a bag of 501and3 pieces of silver, at Passover, closed their doors and became entertainers. That week, two years ago, we learned that when we find ourselves with dystopia in the forecast, and an extinction event at hand, a clean butt should be our primary focus.
That was the longest 15 days of my life.
Thank goodness for this time-hoppy thing, otherwise I would have completely forgotten…due to all my focus being directed towards…what is it I’m supposed to be angry about today? Am I supposed to still have Ukraine’s flag in my profile pic or have we moved on to a different flag? Instead, is it a rich dude wanting to buy a company that is only a make-believe world filled with angry people? To be honest, I am starting to perspire after hearing the newest variant is named STEALTH. Like, this is serious!!! It’s coming for us like a trained assassin now. The other forms were childsplay, but not this time, this time it is sure to deliver; because if it doesn’t I don’t know what fiendishly sinister name they will have to name the next one. A mix of numbers and letters changed to a military type word “delta” which upgraded to an evil sounding “cron” (oooo chills) which was promoted to a silent ninja assassin or the most deadly of planes…stealth…what’s next, the Velociraptor-variant?!!! If that’s the case, I’m sure to get 6 shots and hide. I've seen those movies and they end badly.
Where was I…oh yes…back to the topic at hand, I’m not sure what it is I am to be casting my attention towards. A guy from Kentucky with a British accent, who apparently has marital problems many can relate to (except my dog doesn’t even deuce in the house). Canada had a traffic jam Americans seem to be excited about and find relevance with. There’s a lot of babies crying and a shortage of formula. I wonder if we can make it out of soy? I hear some baseball players and bodybuilders may have taken some testosterone, which is illegal and a detestable hormone to boot…unless you're a five year old tomboy, at which point, let’s get you some. A “red district” in Iowa was the first to host a trans-drag show at the high school. And with masculinity being toxic and the condition of the emasculated American male being what it is, can the supply chain handle the demand on feminine hygiene products we are soon to see? The “definition” of abortion as a “fundamental right” and as “healthcare” is expanding to include after birth…(that is a few too many oxi-morons in one sentence even for me). Aborted babies were found in DC, mutilated, but the whistleblowers are the ones up on charges. Secure documents on a pending case from our Supreme Court have magically appeared. School shootings and childrens’ safety have returned to the headlines. Anti-gun vs. pro-Second Amendment war drums are booming. I think they have started drilling for oil in old gold mines. The interest is up, the stock market is down, and it is feeling eerily similar to a Hank Williams Jr. song. And with all of that, I am forced to wonder if I’m allowed to watch Curious George anymore. I saw an episode once where he is covered in spots and I’m starting to now think they didn’t come from a chicken. Monkeypox… it’s getting so bad (31 cases in the entire country) that I’m getting concerned. I am concerned that the same fear to cough or to clear your throat in public during covid will similarly affect my wife and other friends the next time their hormones fluctuate a bit. Wear a turtleneck in Summer or get stoned you disease carrying subhumans… wearing a mask might actually help this time.
Good times! Oh beloved satire.
An interesting thing to note, thank you Timehop, all of these are the same issues that were thrust into our faces two years ago. They are the same issues we screamed for, in protest or support of. They are the same issues that gathered the troops and brought out the bullhorns. The same issues that put feet on the pavement, pens to the checkbooks, and fingers to the keyboards. These are the same issues that brought “allegiance to the team”. These are the same issues that called for bad legislation to be drafted and passed by all sides of whatever aisle. These are the same issues that cast fear in the hearts and fire in the veins of all Americans that were awake or woke, or whatever state of unrest they claim to be.
It’s a good thing that that was then and not today. Times were different. That was two years ago, and it was an election year.
Now, I need to go rotate my toilet paper stockpile, I wouldn’t want it going outdated on me.